So I started back on my Paleo lifestyle again two weeks ago. After seven months of misery with worsening symptoms I decided I’d rather be that person… that is annoying at the restaurant when ordering a meal, that cooks 90% of their meals, that has to forego the pleasures of cake and ice cream, that chooses the meat and vegetable meal on a menu rather than the sandwich or pasta dish, that has given up the sins of ignorant gustatory bliss…. so that I might not be a dead person. Because that is surely where I was headed. I am sure my symptoms were leading me to some sort of digestive cancer and/or early death.
I’m so over feeling like low grade poop all the time as if walking around with a disease that sets me apart from everyone else. A disease that no one can see so they are completely unaware that I am feeling generally crappy all the time. The vibrance and exuberance that I see that other people exhibit with regards to all aspects of their life whether their kids, work, extracurricular activity, favorite shows, family, friends, etc is foreign to me. I feel blah inside 99% of the time and no one knows that it is easy for me to forget things like birthdays and special events. I can’t seem to think beyond today and the way I am feeling most of the time. I am ever aware of how I am feeling which is usually exhausted and depressed because I can’t keep up with the active lives of others that I see as fun and full. I choose rather to stay home and keep to myself after work and I never plan on anything on the weekends because I worry about how I will feel.
So, in light of this I am accepting, hell even eager, to embrace that which will bring me closer to life, feeling excited and engaged. If it means I never have a piece of cake or piece of pizza again I am on board if it means I can go running, volunteer, join a meetup group, and get out weekly and become a part of a community of friends. To feel fulfilled and a sense of purpose. Hell yeah it’s worth it.
I have so many ideas and inspirations that I can’t seem to dredge up the energy to act upon. So I lay in bed and think while I struggle to deal with my fatigue. I love tv but, it’s no way to live. I’m not one to spend lots of time on the phone so if I’m going interact with people and experience life I need to get out and get involved. Being a bit reclusive, peppered with a slight social anxiety disorder, I find it hard to get out of my house and hard to reach out to people. I am double whammied in the getting out and getting active department. It’s a catch 22.
No one is going to fix my problems but me. If I am going to be proud at the end of my life, feeling like I have lived a full and rich life, having learned a great deal and having been touched by many people and having had many rewarding experiences…I’m gonna have to make some changes.
In my next post I will list my meals and habits over the last two weeks. I will also share what I have experienced physically along the way.
Thanks for reading.